Prank Gone Wrong
by Rider of the Whales
Summary: In response to a kinkmeme request asking for an explanation/elaboration of the picture linked inside. Rated for language, rating may change.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Picture link here

http: / / askskaia(dot)tumblr(dot)com /post/8810060505/tg-see-egbert-tg-this-is-why-im-not-the-prank

enjoy!

Your name is Dave Strider, and today started out as a pretty good day.

It was normal- you woke up, drank a bottle of apple juice from your secret closet stash, and managed to mix a few sick beats before you had to head to school. There, you met up with your best buddy Egbert and your ecto-sister Rose and went to your first class, waving hi to John's half-sister Jade as she scrambled past you in hopes of reaching her own class on time.

Of course, once _in _class and ready to sit down your chair disappears, causing you to fold gracefully to the floor. John's snicker gives you all the evidence you need to know whodunit- the guy's been _obsessed _with filling his prankster's gambit lately.

You just stand up, dust yourself off, and give him a look through your shades. The aderpable smirk you get back almost makes up for it. Almost. You're still vowing to get him back somehow.

Completely ironically, of course.

The need for revenge increases exponentially throughout the day- it seems that John's been focusing his pranks almost exclusively on you, from switching all the covers on your books around so that you take the wrong ones to class, to actually tying your shoelaces together somehow when you're not looking. He even managed to stick a 'kick-me' sign on your back- you have absolutely no clue how he managed to, you were watching him like a hawk all day.

Once the end of the day comes, you're seething with a _very _ironic need of revenge, but your face shows nothing behind your pokerface (thank jegus for your shades, though, you've been doing some serious glaring today). Jade and Rose wave goodbye- the two are going over to Rose's house to work on a project together while you chill with Egderp for the evening, and hopefully get back some of your own.

Of course, the question remains, just _what _are you going to do?

Jegus, coming up with this stuff is hard.

You've been sitting and playing videogames for half an hour now, mind still a blank until John suggests that you both have something to eat- then a completely diabolical plan comes to mind. You motion for him to keep playing, telling him that you'll fix some soup or something, and he grins widely at that and replies that he might as well go and take a shower then.

Phase two of your brilliant prank comes into mind then and you nod, carefully concealing your expression. John runs upstairs and as soon as you hear the shower start you get down to business.

First, steal his glasses.

This is managed without too much of a fuss- he's singing (horribly, you wince, and completely unironically) in the shower and his glasses are on the edge of the sink, close to the door, so it's no problem at all to snitch them. You run back downstairs with an internalized chuckle, implementing phase two- ironic food- switching. The classic salt-for-sugar gambit, mixing up a few herbs and spices while you're at it, and adding a can of peanut crumbs you had left over in your bag from something or other as a final flourish.

You don't do anything to the soup you're making, however- you know John would get instantly suspicious (and besides, you have to eat it too.)

Seeing him coming downstairs and bumping into the wall with a displeased noise is possibly one of the dorkiest (and most adorable) things you've seen him do.

Of course, you don't say this out loud, simply pouring out a few bowls of soup and dusting them with the peanut crumbs instead of breadcrumbs, secretly wondering if he'd even notice.

He doesn't.

He just eats the soup with that huge dopey grin, complimenting you on how it tastes.

You've been playing video games for another half an hour before John makes a funny noise in his throat. You look over, noticing his face is all red and that his nose is running a bit. You offer him a tissue but he shakes his head, dropping his controller from suddenly shaky hands. You note how his breath suddenly seems super loud and harsh and your brow furrows. "You okay, Egderp?"

It takes him a few seconds to answer, and your stomach clenches when you hear how suddenly hoarse his voice is. "D-dave, I – I think I'm gonna-" is all he manages to wheeze out before he clutches his stomach and staggers out to the kitchen.

When you hear him violently tossing his cookies into the stainless-steel sink you drop your own controller and _run _out there. He's clinging onto the counter like his knees can't support him any longer and in the harsher fluorescent lighting his face is _so red, _it looks like it's swelling and then John's collapsing to the floor, gasping for breath and you're on your knees beside him, asking him if he's alright in a very uncool tone of panic. He's got a tight grip on your shirt, his eyes meet yours and he looks _bewildered_- and then he lets out a whimper, and clutches his chest, and he's whispering that he can't breathe and that's fucking it- you've got your iPhone out and you're dialing 911 like your life depends on it.

And in a way, it does.

Jegus fuck the rest of the next two hours is an absolute blur, what with the ambulance roaring into the driveway and the paramedics separating the two of you- you almost fight them but they promise that you can ride in the ambulance with him. You think you call Rose at some point on the way there- anyway, she, Jade, and their Dad are at the hospital within ten minutes of you getting separated from John and left standing in the waiting room, staring blankly after them. Dad wastes no time in speaking to a nurse and heading further into the emergency room while Rose and Jade flank you, both looking quite upset.

You don't even want to know what you look like right now. You're just thankful for the shades.

Your consciousness sort of skips forward a few minutes, to where you're sitting with your face pressed firmly into your hands, Rose and Jade squashed tight to either side of you, and you're _sure _Bro would have made some sort of comment about you having all the bitches (_all _of them) but you're in no mood to think of that right now. Someone's shaking so hard it's making your view of the floor wobble back and forth- you're pretty sure it's Jade but when you make some sort of comment about it she just hugs you tighter and you realize _oh- that's me…_

"Dave." Rose's low voice has never been more welcome- it makes you snap out of whatever daze you'd been digging yourself into and turn your head the slightest bit to look at her. "What happened?"

"…dunno." You wince at how wavery your voice sounds, almost like you're about to cry, but that's ridiculous. A Strider never cries. You're too shaken still to embellish your words like usual, so you just give Rose the barest minimum. "We'd been playing video games and then he went and took a shower- I nicked his glasses and switched some of his condiments around- y'know, to get back at him for everything he did today. We had some soup, I put some peanut shit in there for flavor instead of breadcrumbs-"

Your voice trails off as Jade stiffens and gasps beside you, and then there's a loud crack and a horrible pain in your cheek and you're sprawled out on the linoleum. Everything's too bright- she must have knocked your sunglasses off and you'd scrabble for them if Jade wasn't suddenly pinning you down, hand raised to deliver another stunning punch to the face. "Whoa whoa whoa!" You raise an arm to defend yourself but hell hath no fury like a riled Jade, and she lands another good one on your cheek before Rose pulls you away. "The fuck was that about?"

"You _shithead!" _she yells back, struggling to get back to you, but Rose's grip is firm. "You complete _asshole, _Dave Strider!" But she's crying now, and Rose looks like she's turned into a ghost, and you're still confused as hell.

"Dave-" Rose manages to wrestle Jade back into her seat where she puts her face into her hands and cries. She turns back to you and all of a sudden you don't want to know what she's about to say.

But she says it anyway.

"John is severely allergic to peanuts."

Your name is Dave Strider, and today you might have killed your best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

(2)

It takes a few moments for this fact to sink in but once it does a sort of chill falls over you. You stand up without a word, sliding your shades onto your face, and turn around. Rose is still talking but you're already walking away, numb. Her hand falls on your elbow and at the slight backwards pull you _snap. _The next thing you know you're outside, body tingling and out of breath, and you realize you just flash-stepped the fuck out of there for the first time

You don't have time to enjoy it, though, because then you're off and running.

Your mind stays blank throughout the entire six mile run back to the shithole of an apartment you share with your older brother, and you pray to every non-troll god you can think of that he's not there when you get back. Which only serves to make certain that he _is _there, sitting at the kitchen table and staring right at you when you walk in. You can't _deal _with this right now, your poker face is ripped to shreds, you're so uncool right now you're taking a lava bath in Hephasteus's forge, and when Bro raises a single eyebrow at you you break.

"I think I killed John," you blurt before you can stop yourself, and abscond.

Your room is dark, but you know the layout by heart, and easily make your way to your bed. You pull the covers up over your head and bury your face into the pillow, heart pounding painfully in your chest and pulse pounding against your temples. It hurts, everything _hurts, _the only thing you can see is John's face-

-terrified-

-vomiting and falling onto the floor-

-telling you he _couldn't breathe-_

and before you know it you're crying.

You only realize you forgot to close your window when you hear your fucking ninja of a brother climbing in through it. You pull the blankets tighter over your head when you hear the bedsprings creak and feel the mattress dip. You're practically gagging yourself with your pillow by now, trying not to let a sound escape you, because you can_not _bear to take any shit from him right now, can_not_ take the barbed and jagged-edged missile fire of his irony when all of your cool has been stripped from you and you are laid bare, as vulnerable as the day you fell from the sky on a fucking meteor.

Then Bro is rubbing your back, like he used to years and years ago when you'd spend the entire night awake and shaking from nightmares of Sburb. You make a choked noise before you can help it and flinch a bit- you don't deserve any form of comfort right now- and you hear him sigh.

The blankets are pulled the slightest bit away from your face and you see Bro's pointy-edged sunglasses hit the pillow.

You freeze.

Then you flip the fuck out as he bundles you up, blanket and all, and pulls you into his lap.

"W-what the _fuck, _Bro!" you sputter, cringing at the sound of your voice, and make the mistake of looking up at him. His red, red eyes, the exact twin to your own, look directly back at you, and you're helplessly captivated.

He's rubbing your back again, you realize slowly. You duck your head, unable to keep the eye contact even through your shades. The contact soothes you (however unwillingly) and as you calm down your story spills out in short bursts, hampered by your gritted teeth and a catch in your breath.

"Left Harley and Lalonde in the hospital t'wait with his dad," you finish hoarsely, head tucked tight under Bro's chin. The smooth metronome of his breaths provide some calm in the storm of your emotions.

Bro doesn't respond, except ot card his fingers through your hair (_once, twice,) _the rough palm of his leather glove catching the strands briefly and mussing it up even more before he gives you a little push. You roll off his lap obediently and he stands up, snagging his glasses again and settling them over the bridge of his nose. "I'll drive you to the hospital tomorrow morning," is the only thing he says as he unlocks your door and leaves you with a cold side, redder-than-usual eyes, and a _lot _of things to think about.

Bro really meant it when he said 'tomorrow morning-' it's 5 AM when you're woken with a puppet ass to the face and a frozen bottle of apple juice shoved down the back of your shirt. "Leavin' in ten, little dude," he drawls as you swear at him, scrabbling away from the icy bottle and chucking the smuppet right back at him. It hits the wall and you hear him chuckle.

You dress, scrub your face to get rid of the shameful salty residue there, and head downstairs to Bro's truck. The ride to the hospital is silent- you don't realize you're jittering all over the place until Bro shoots you a look.

You hope he's alive.

Fuck, you'd even pray to _Karkat _if it meant he was alive…

Bro drops you off in front- obviously not coming in with you- and you walk up to the front desk with only minor trepidation.

The woman there won't tell you anything, though, no matter how much or how politely you ask.

"Gog_ damn _it, I just want to know if he's _alive _or not!" you finally snarl at the receptionist, only mildly gratified at how she recoils the slightest bit, wariness blossoming in her eyes. The bitch _should _be wary- you're the motherfucking Knight of Time, you've done things she probably couldn't even imagine-

And your train of thought is broken when someone lays their hand on your shoulder and squeezes.

You tilt your head.

It's Rose. Jade is behind her, with Mr. Egbert.

You lower your hand from the receptionist's desk and shove it into your pocket, turning fully to face them. Well, not 'face' them- you don't even want to _look _at Mr. Egbert after what you did to his son. He has every right to hate you, all of them do-

But Jade is on you, her arms squeezing around your chest as you stand there awkwardly. "Harley, you already punched me out," you grumble, a little out of breath. "Don'tcha think that was enough punishment?"

"Shut up," she mutters back, squeezing harder, "and hug me, you ass."

You do.

Then, with Rose and Jade on either side of you, you follow Mr. Egbert down the hallway to John's room.


End file.
